Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in hillariah37's LiveJournal:

Friday, September 30th, 2005
11:19 am	ugh so, i've been a bit down over the past week or so. i talked to freidus for a long time yesterday and it was nice. always have the most interesting conversations... i'm missing a lot of stuff that i used to have in my life. it just sucks. i can't stop, and i want to stop. or do i? who the fuck knows. i sound so freaking dramatic. i just need to be alone. i haven't been alone in so long, there's always people. everywhere. whatever. work. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
8:29 pm	there's something seriously wrong with me. i can't do my work, i have no desire to at all and i have so much of it due for tomorrow. my heart feels heavy, and i'm not quite sure why. i'm a really strange person. i was thinking about this today and i'm a person who does not let go of things easily. i don't like change, unless it's good. i mean, some change is just, change, not good or bad, but necessary. i'm a very nostalgic person and it hinders my happiness sometimes. i talked to reena at the beginning of the year about some stuff and she came to the decision that i am a very discontent person. she's completely right. i am. i'm never fully satisfied with anything that i have. it's really sad, actually, because i have so much and yet, i can't appreciate it. i've changed a lot. i used to be the kind of person who always finds time to be by herself, to just take a walk outside and end up laying on the grass on my front lawn and look up at the sky. or like in high school, i would constantly sit in the very back seat of the very back row of our auditorium, just because i liked being alone. don't get me wrong, i still love being alone, in fact, i need to be, it's so important. it's just, i can't find the time. there's always something to do or someone to be with. jeez, how awful does that sound? i should be so lucky to have those things. i've also come to terms with the fact that i've become slightly selfish. i always want to do what i want to do when i want to do it and i don't care if i do it alone if that means that i can just live on my own schedule. i guess i just can't wait until i'm finally content. reena said that probably won't be until i'm 50 or so. it sounds rough but she made sense in what she said to me...that it's good to be discontent because if i was satisfied with everything i had or was, then there would be no room to grow, nothing else to strive for. it makes sense. oh reena. (Comment on this)
1:36 am	Who knows i've been in such a funk lately. i don't even know if anyone reads this, i'm not sure if that's even my intention. wow, livejournals are very much like video art, only in written form. i'm in a video art class now so it's kind of on my mind. livejournals are the same as confessionals in video art, knowing that you're telling your thoughts to an audience. today in my video art class we had our critiques on our first assignment called "me and my camera" in which we had to establish a certain relationship with our camera. this one girl filmed a confessional of herself talking about love. it was really beautiful. she talked about how she was in a relationship with this boy from home and how she hurt him deeply because he loved her and she didn't love him. she thought she didn't know what love was. so, they split and a year later she realized that she IS in love with him, and she told him, only to come to the realization that she and him could never date again. they're friends and know that they love each other, and that's okay with them. she talked about how he's that guy that no one else can ever compare to. i feel so awful for her because she never got to enjoy being in love with him. now it's this feeling that she just knows she has and will always have but can never act upon it. what i don't understand is, why? perhaps it's because she hurt him so deeply. or maybe it's because she said they have moral differences that are very important to her. it's just confusing because, if you love someone that deeply, how can you know that you will never be with that person again? that in itself, is heart breaking. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Coldplay (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
12:28 am	someone please buy me a mac i hate my computer. i hate the fact that my parents bought me a dell instead of a mac last year (although, i am greatful that i got a computer at all...). it's just that, as a film student, I NEED A FUCKING MAC!!!! i'm trying to export this video art project i did that's due TOMORROW onton my FUCKING DV tape and it's not FUCKING working! FUCK ADOBE PREMIERE PRO!!!!!!!!! someone please...i need final cut!! uuuuughhhhhhhhhh. i am so incredibly full right now...i wanted to go to the gym tomorrow morning but i have to chalk on the quad to continue pre-promoting for our [adult swim] poster giveaway, which is this tuesday. so tired right now. i'm so freaking nostalgic. i wish i was so undeniably happy again. like i was towards the end of senior year and during the summer before college. it was pretty much perfect. i had no idea what college would be like and i still retained so much innocence...it was a great time. and then everything had to change. oh well. i mean, college is great and all but i guess i'm still looking to be that happy again. i hope it happens soon. but if it doesn't, that's ok because i know it will come along. i think i need to struggle a little bit first before i can get back up there again. then, hopefully it'll be forever. that'd be nice. okay wow, so i started this like 4 or 5 hours ago. it's now 3:56 AM and i JUST got done with my video sketchbook project. although i was done with it HOURS ago, i had so many problems transferring it to DV tape that i had to go through this whole long process and it just got finished now. so, i'm thoroughly exhausted. gotta get up in a few hours... Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
5:32 pm	I dunno so i'm sitting here, at my desk, in my dorm room and it's 5:33 PM on saturday evening. i'm reading a play called BURIED CHILD by sam shepard and it's pretty good so far. for my play analysis class with my drill sargent teacher who's a master in american contemporary plays. last night was wild and amazing. some guys through my friend matty a birthday party (although his bday is on monday) and called it "CrespFest". we got there around midnight and this tiny apartment on south was packed with an astronomical amount of people, they must have had 100 people there...mostly freshman who didn't even know matty. so that pissed us off because it was OUR friend's party. so then about 5 minutes after we arrived, DPS came and everybody of course ran (except for us b/c we hadn't had anything to drink yet) and no one got in trouble. it was a perfect scenario if you think about it: all the people left who didn't know matty, they guys made over $160 from charging for alcohol and the people who came back to their place (a good, small amount) were all of matty's friends. it was fantastic. i got really drunk, probably the most drunk i've ever been, and get this: i had 3 drinks. it was pathetic. i think it was because i hadn't drank in quite some time and i didn't have much in my stomach. but it was so awesome. dan and i left around 3:20 AM to catch the bus and kell and ali walked back from south (crazy kids) probably around 4:30 AM or so. overall, it was a great night. tonight we're taking matty out for his birthday while his friend ashley (from home) is still visiting. duno where we're going yet though. i am pretty exhausted right now. slept with my contacts on last night cuz kell had the key to the room so i couldn't get in when i got back, then i pretty much just passed out in dan and matty's room. i feel like i've been a really bad friend these past few weeks. i've been so busy with work and adult swim stuff that most of the time i just don't want to be on the phone. i love all of my friends from home and i miss them so much and i do really want to talk to them but it's just sometimes, i can't be on the phone, i just need to relax when i finally get the chance to. but i feel so bad and i miss them so much. i think about it constantly and i know i should just DO something about it but something always sidetracks me and i never do. it's awful. and it's not even just with friends back home but with friends from school that i don't live close to anymore and don't have classes with anymore that i find myself not keeping in touch with. it really is terrible and i'm sorry to everyone. anyway, september's almost over with and i'm very glad about that. my friends and i are planning a trip to ithaca within the next few weeks to go to the gorges like we did last year. we have to go pretty soon because it will start getting cold in a matter of weeks. i'm excited to get away, even if it's just for the day. alright, back to work. i wish i were somewhere else...preferably australia or new zealand...that'd be nice. but i suppose syracuse will just have to do. for now. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
1:28 pm	boo watching 'libeled lady' tired have class in 31 minutes just had some lunch want the week to be over my dvd player's about to run out of battery and i'm too lazy to get up and plug it in maybe i'll have some olives i had one of kelly's grandma's bluberry muffins they were fantabulous i had a dream last night that alex and i made a great movie together. it made me want to shoot. i'm starting to do research for a film i'm going to write about my mom's family's endeavors in australia. i'm starting the process of interviewing my grandparents within the next few days, then my mom, then dad, then uncle. then i'll ask my sister some basic questions about oz because she studied abroad there. then it's time to hit the book/internet/films. then eventually, i'll make the trip to australia and do some first person research. it'll be sweet. oh yeah, and then i have to write the script...lol. it's a big project but i'm up for it and i know it'll take a few years to complete. i have faith...i believe it will be a great story to tell. tis all. Current Mood: busy Current Music: 'So Long' by Guster (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
12:42 pm	Alright, chillens.... So, I really suck at this live journal thing. The last time I wrote was on may 15. what day is it today? oh yeah, it's freakin september 18th!! (freidus, your birthday is tomorrow...just reminding you...if you're even reading this...which i highly doubt...) Sophomore year. 3 years left. It's so crazy to think that a year ago I was a measely little freshmen who was so ignorant about everything. i haven't really felt like doing any work lately, even though i've been doing work constantly. last week was the busiest week ever. i don't think i went to sleep before 2 AM the entire week and i miss sleeping so much. today i got up at 7:58 AM to help dan with his first film shoot, so i didn't get much sleep, however, i'm not gonna let him down because i know he would do it for me. crespy and dave came too so he had all the help he needed. later i have to help munjal with his film, which means no real rest for the day and lots of reading to do. but movie night's tonight and i have to get all of my work done by 9 PM so i can watch!! i'm so excited, we're not sure whose pick it is this week so i'm psyched. kelly and i are watching 'maid in manhattan' right now and it's such a cheesy girly movie but i love it. i'm going to England in january and i can't wait. i love it there and this time i'm going without parents, just to visit my sister at her own place (if she has one by then). oy, jennifer lopez and ralph fiennes just kissed. now they just had sex. what the hell. she's a MAID!!! in MANHATTAN!!! ok well, i gotta jet and do some preparation for munjal's film. i gotta start working out again. i feel like a lazy bumb but i've been so damn busy with school and [adult swim] stuff that i haven't been able to. although, i did just buy a little mermaid jump rope. hells freaking yeah. later. Current Mood: poop Current Music: 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'-Monty Python L.O.B. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
5:48 pm	So... Wow, I suck. I haven't updated this in a very long time. The last few weeks of school were very busy and I didn't have much time to relax. But nontheless, school was amazing and I miss everyone so much. I wish I could bring all the people from school and home to a beach and we could all chill there for the summer. So, I got this job to be the Syracuse University Adult Swim College Rep which is pretty freaking sweet! My parents and I are going over the contract and hopefully everything will work out so I can send it in and officially have the job. The only thing I'm slightly concerned about is the amount of time it's going to take up, but you know what, screw it! It's Adult Swim!! I'm thinking about my resume now. Home's been all right so far. I love chillin with all of my amazing friends here, but there's not much to do. This weekend is my sister's graduation from the University of Vermont and my parents, grandparents, and I are all going to see her finishing her school experience! Then, it's a day at the beach with Dan, Iggy, and her awesome boyfriend Damon (that I can't wait to meet!!), MTV Orientation, and then a cruise to Italy. (: Then, I start my internship at Nickelodeon! Whoohoo! Thinking ahead, this summer sounds pretty amazing... My goal for this summer is to write a feature length screenplay. If not a feature, then a bunch of small stories. And then, to shoot them. AAAAHHHHH, my passion is BURNING!!!! Well, that pretty much brings this journal up to date. Current Mood: excited Current Music: Anything Joni Mitchell (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
9:06 pm	I'VE GOT NO MOTIVATION, WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION?! (Green Day, anyone?) So, instead of writing in the livejournal i should be writing my 200-300 word review of 'The Usual Suspects'. Now, one may thing that, wow, that's a fun assignment, and i would most definitely agree because 'The Usual Suspects' is one of my all time favorite movies. however, i have no motivation to do anything. i just want to sleep, watch tv, watch movies, and chill with friends. maybe do a bit of knitting which i haven't done since the very beginning of the semester. perhaps read some comics, write a little. but no. i have work to do. of course. anyway, school is pretty awesome though. less then a week of classes left, i had my last film class today, and my second to last drama and writing class tomorrow...thank god. seriously. thank you. i can't wait until next year's classes, they seem pretty sweet. snoop dogg is coming to SU this sunday for our last big event in the dome called "the block party". i don't listen to rap, in fact, i despise it, however it's still awesome when someone famous comes to your school, so you have to take the opportunity. kelly and i got our first choice of dorm which kicks ass. we're going to go check out our future room in a little bit. we are also both peer advisors for the froshies next year, which should be awesome and lots of fun. (: lets see, what else? meh, just really tired and not wanting to move from my computer to do my work so i am doing everything possible to think of more things i have to do on the computer as to prolong starting my work even more. fuck, i'm leaving. Current Mood: bored Current Music: "Lullaby" The Beatles (Comment on this)
Monday, April 25th, 2005
12:32 pm	Boo. I'm procrastinating. It's funny because I'm actually procrastinating my writing project, which is on procrastination. Wow. I cannot wait until all of this is done. I have lost all of my motivation to do work that does not involve editing my film. I just want to hang out with my friends and watch movies. All. Day. Long. I have a feeling that this will be an amazing summer. Kelly and I just got our first choice of housing for next year, which is also the best dorm on campus! whoohoo okay i'm going to finish my work now. damnit. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Theme to 'Pirates of the Caribbean' (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
11:47 pm	So uhhh, yeeeeeeah... i did no homework this weekend and i am paying for it now. although, i did finish (knock on wood) filming my metaphor film on saturday! i am PRAYING that it turns out the way i hope it will. if so, i think it will be pretty good! but, we shall see i suppose. re-cap of this weekend: i went to the casino with dan, rachel, shannon, and crespy. it was a lot of fun...when i was up $65 in blackjack...then i lost it all. i left the casino down $50...it was sad but i actually can't wait to go back. of course dan won over $100, a little low this time, coming from his win of $500 last time. (: crespy left with, what was it, $12? good times good times... saturday my partner and i finished filming and it was such a beautiful day outside. we got some wonderful shots of the quad which was covered with people just chillen out. i really hope it turns out!! then i went to a group dinner with a bunch of friends, which is always nice, but the freaking waitress was so god damn slow i was gnawing on my own fingers i was so hungry. but she made up for it with bringing the bread along with the appetizers...then our entrees were not far away. saturday night we went to a party at Delta Chi which was pretty cool. a night with good friends never fails. oh rachel...i love those 4 AM phone calls from you... today i went to see Wes Craven speak with dan and crespy. he was a really interesting person, but an awful public speaker! i really wanted to be into everything he was saying, but his low voice that you could hardly hear at some points almost put me to sleep. oh well. he talked about how he came up with the character Freddy Krugger and how all of his horror films are somehow basic on reality. it was pretty sweet. and now i'm taking a break from doing homework. and now i'm going to go back to doing my homework. paaaayyyyyyyyce. (who says that?!?) -hills Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Friday, April 15th, 2005
12:17 am	Homework can die. I'm procrastinating. Homework blows. I'm not feeling so hot right now. I think it's because I don't sleep anymore. Remember when I used to think going to bed at 10 PM was late? YEEEEEAH that's long gone. That's college for you. Whenever you may be feeling down about something just think about what Mrs. Catanzaro (now Mrs. Deprospero) said my freshman year in english class: "In a course of a lifetime, what does it matter?" I leave you with that. Must do work, much love. Current Mood: sick (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
7:41 pm	Sex and the City, how I love thee. I never had HBO. So watching any HBO show was and is always a privelege. I've watched The Sopranos, which I love, and I dabble in Sex and the City every now and then. I borrowed the 3rd season from my friend Ali and I've been watching and watching and watching. Sex and the City is my new addiction. It's just one of those shows that you can pop in to kill a half hour and hey, sometimes it can even relate to your life. Oh yeah, and I want to be Kristin Davis. I watched my lighting project footage and it's alright. Some of it looks cool but it's only okay. I'm a little nervous to shoot my metaphor film tomorrow because it's kind of complicated so we'll see how it goes. I could really go for a Ritz burger right now. I love Livingston but Syracuse will definitely be missed this summer. Wow, it's going to be so nice to just go home, relax, hang out with friends and have nothing to do! I actually can't wait to have this free time because it's been really hard to write and make movies for leisure here. Alex, you know what I mean. This summer will be wonderful for that. Okay, I don't have much else to say. Lautman, thanks for posting!! Have fun at prom I'm sure you'll have an amazing time! I bid you adieu. (Halloween Special, anyone?!) Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
12:18 pm	Am I addicted already? So as I was walking back to my dorm this morning after class, I found myself looking forward to writing in my livejournal. Wow, bad sign? I think so. It's another beautiful day here in Syracuse and it's kind of scary seeing as though we've had a streak of great days. It's going to snow soon. It has to, it's way too nice here. I have to meet with my film partner in 40 minutes to storyboard our final film. It's going to be a lot of work but storyboarding is definitely the hardest part of the filmmaking process. Putting all of your ideas down on paper. Nothing is really new in my life right now. I'm glad it's Thursday but I can't wait until tomorrow around 7:30 because hopefully my partner and I will be done shooting by then, and then I'll feel MUCH better. A couple of friends and I are going to a casino tomorrow night! I must say I'm quite excited about this because I've never really been to one before. My roomate just walked in (: Gotta jet. I love everyone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
7:53 pm	my first entry hey people! i have no idea if anyone is going to be reading this but hey, why not write? so, i'm starting a live journal because i don't have much time to talk on the phone a lot right now (which i feel terrible about, by the way) and i want to keep in touch with everyone. i've been very stressed for the past few weeks with work and such, mostly with my film production class. who ever would have thought that working with film would be THIS difficult? it took me a very long time to get the hang of it but i finally have! i got my lighting project back from the film developer today and it came out! i'm telling you, it's the best feeling in the world when your film comes out...it's truly amazing. film is amazing. screw digital! film is beautiful. i miss everyone from home very much. i can't wait to go home but i must say, i really love it here at syracuse university as well. i know that i didn't very much during first semester but i've finally found my place and my people. i love it here. it's crazy how drastically your feelings can change about something. it's like, everything magically came together second semester. well, i don't know what else to say. i re-shot my chase scene for my film production class this morning after only getting a few hours of sleep. oh, that's another thing, i don't sleep anymore, it's terrible. there's always something i have to be doing, and i feel like i can't really relax all that much because there's ALWAYS something to do. anyway, i digress. so i re-shot my chase scene this morning and there were no technical difficulties but i'm still crossing my fingers to see if it comes out the way i want it to. hmm? what else? my roomate's listening to billy joel right now. a bottle of red...a bottle of white...! okay it's definitely nap time and then off to do more storyboarding for my metaphor film! i love all of my friends. you guys are all truly wonderful people. livejournals are kind of fun! thanks alex! i love you guys. Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)